Let Me Be / Let Me See / Let Me Blind You

 

If I could choose between having you and the love and the pain,
And not feeling anything at all,
And I choose to have nothing at all,
Will you call me cowardly, unloving, cold?

Have you ever felt this way?
That I am the centre of your world?
That you could not live without me?
That something is burning, aching, growing?
That I would do anything and everything for you, when you didn’t ask?
Like a hummingbird heartbeat, like the movies, the black and white ones.

That at nights when we lay together, I am gripped by fear and I want to run away.
That I stop myself from running away and hold you tight.
That I want to tell you everything and nothing about me.
That you have no idea what I want to tell you because I conceal myself like a cocoon.
That you don’t know anything about me because I only drop bite-sized pieces.
Because I feel like I will disappear when I’ve done with the Hansel and Gretel.
That you will consume me, and you will know who I am. One day.

Have you ever felt this way?

We cannot pick up the words that we scatter in the wind.
Which is why I cannot tell you.
Regardless of how many times the words tickle my tongue.
Which is why you say that I do not speak much of myself.

I want to protect me, me from you and you from me,
so we can rotate around each other like parallel universes.
Knowing enough, yet never too much.
Just enough to prepare ourselves for the time when our world snaps in two,
And to keep revolving.

I don’t want you to know me. But I want you to want to know me.
I want you to want me always, but I don’t want to want you always (but I do).

Because, I fear, ultimately,
That you will pick up all the shards of me I drop at strangers, and put them together.
Just like I always put together pieces of your life.
Do unto me what I would unto you. But don’t.

Because, one day we will return to being strangers.
I will walk across you on the street, and it will be like we had never met.

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Teach Me How to Be Loved

One foot onto the ice
I hold my breath
And try to believe
Can I look at you with different eyes?
Like the girl that I was, when I was 17

The fallen empires
The shattered glass
The wicked echos of my past
I’ve seen it all before, that’s why I’m asking

Will you still be here tomorrow
Or will you leave in the dead of the night?
So your waves don’t crash around me
I’m staying one step ahead of the tide
Will you leave me lost in my shadows
Or will you pull me into your light?
Teach me how to be loved
Teach me how to be loved

I got caught up in a daze
Of the wine and roses
Such a sweet escape
But I watched it all slip away
Like running water from my hands
Raining on this picture land

The fallen empires
The shattered glass
The wicked echos of my past
I’ve seen it all before, that’s why I’m asking

Will you still be here tomorrow
Or will you leave in the dead of the night?
So your waves don’t crash around me
I’m staying one step ahead of the tide
Will you leave me lost in my shadows
Or will you pull me into your light?
Teach me how to be loved

Can I give myself just one more second chance?
And put my trust in love
Please don’t hurt me
If I make myself like a feather in your hand
And put my trust in love
Please don’t hurt me

Will you still be here tomorrow
Or will you leave in the dead of the night?
So your waves don’t crash around me
I’m staying one step ahead of the tide
Will you leave me lost in my shadows
Or will you pull me into your light?
Teach me how to be loved
Teach me how to be loved

In Times Gone By

 

이것도 다 과거의 먼짓가루가 되고, 잊혀지고, 아스라질 것이 분명한데
왜 우리는 현재에 집착하고, 미래에 집착하고,
– 있을 수 있었던, 있을 수도 있었던, 있을 수도 있지만 – 한 일들에 집착을 하며 사는지.

언젠가, 우리 모두는 먼지가 되어 사라지고,
우리의 눈물과 피와 땀과 열정과 사랑과 슬픔은 존재하지 않았던 것들이 되어버림이 분명한데.

내가 지금 느끼는 것과, 보는 것과, 듣는 것 모두. 진실됨과 진실되지 아니함조차 중요하지 않은데. 중요한 것은 사실 없는데. 나 자신조차도 중요하지 않은데.

나의 질문과, 나의 사람들과, 나의 고뇌 그 무엇 하나도 이 땅덩어리에 한 톨 남지 않을 것이 분명한데.

그런데 왜 우리는 추억하고, 사랑하고, 아파하고, 뜀박질하고, 노력을 하는지.

어제의 나와 지금의 나와 16세의 나는 모두 같지만 다르고, 별개의 것이지만 일체인 것인데.
그 때 내가 사랑했던 그 사람과 지금의 그 사람은 다른 객체로 보아야 하는 것인지.
그 때 내가 느꼈던 감정들은 어디로 가버린 것인지.
내가 추억하는 나와 나의 사람들은 실존하는 것인지. 실존한 적이 있는지.