Let Me Be / Let Me See / Let Me Blind You

 

If I could choose between having you and the love and the pain,
And not feeling anything at all,
And I choose to have nothing at all,
Will you call me cowardly, unloving, cold?

Have you ever felt this way?
That I am the centre of your world?
That you could not live without me?
That something is burning, aching, growing?
That I would do anything and everything for you, when you didn’t ask?
Like a hummingbird heartbeat, like the movies, the black and white ones.

That at nights when we lay together, I am gripped by fear and I want to run away.
That I stop myself from running away and hold you tight.
That I want to tell you everything and nothing about me.
That you have no idea what I want to tell you because I conceal myself like a cocoon.
That you don’t know anything about me because I only drop bite-sized pieces.
Because I feel like I will disappear when I’ve done with the Hansel and Gretel.
That you will consume me, and you will know who I am. One day.

Have you ever felt this way?

We cannot pick up the words that we scatter in the wind.
Which is why I cannot tell you.
Regardless of how many times the words tickle my tongue.
Which is why you say that I do not speak much of myself.

I want to protect me, me from you and you from me,
so we can rotate around each other like parallel universes.
Knowing enough, yet never too much.
Just enough to prepare ourselves for the time when our world snaps in two,
And to keep revolving.

I don’t want you to know me. But I want you to want to know me.
I want you to want me always, but I don’t want to want you always (but I do).

Because, I fear, ultimately,
That you will pick up all the shards of me I drop at strangers, and put them together.
Just like I always put together pieces of your life.
Do unto me what I would unto you. But don’t.

Because, one day we will return to being strangers.
I will walk across you on the street, and it will be like we had never met.

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