In Times Gone By

 

이것도 다 과거의 먼짓가루가 되고, 잊혀지고, 아스라질 것이 분명한데
왜 우리는 현재에 집착하고, 미래에 집착하고,
– 있을 수 있었던, 있을 수도 있었던, 있을 수도 있지만 – 한 일들에 집착을 하며 사는지.

언젠가, 우리 모두는 먼지가 되어 사라지고,
우리의 눈물과 피와 땀과 열정과 사랑과 슬픔은 존재하지 않았던 것들이 되어버림이 분명한데.

내가 지금 느끼는 것과, 보는 것과, 듣는 것 모두. 진실됨과 진실되지 아니함조차 중요하지 않은데. 중요한 것은 사실 없는데. 나 자신조차도 중요하지 않은데.

나의 질문과, 나의 사람들과, 나의 고뇌 그 무엇 하나도 이 땅덩어리에 한 톨 남지 않을 것이 분명한데.

그런데 왜 우리는 추억하고, 사랑하고, 아파하고, 뜀박질하고, 노력을 하는지.

어제의 나와 지금의 나와 16세의 나는 모두 같지만 다르고, 별개의 것이지만 일체인 것인데.
그 때 내가 사랑했던 그 사람과 지금의 그 사람은 다른 객체로 보아야 하는 것인지.
그 때 내가 느꼈던 감정들은 어디로 가버린 것인지.
내가 추억하는 나와 나의 사람들은 실존하는 것인지. 실존한 적이 있는지.

What Am I Living For?

“僕が死のうと思ったのは” by Amazarashi

You told me, you were not sure what you were living for. That nothing was ever good enough. And that the good never lasted.

That no matter how many times people told you, you’re beautiful, you’re wonderful, you’re perfect just the way you are, you should be happy, you’ve done great, that you felt like it wasn’t good enough.

If you thought happiness should be a core value in your life, but that you could never be happy because you always thought, happiness never lasts, and I’m waiting for the ball to drop, then what can you do?

If living is, as the Buddhists said, a constant circle of pain, as a hedonist, should you keep living? The world tells you, buck up, cheer up, you’ll find the right path, you’ll find the right person/people, there will be better things in life – and you know they’re lying by omission, should you, end it all?

What if you based your life, as I have done, on the happiness of others? And the others fluctuated, and one day you realized, that they did not stand where they told you to stand anymore?

What if?

서울은 흐림.

내가 사랑했던 서울. 나를 키워준 서울. MADE IN SEOUL. 내가 떠내보낸 서울. 나를 떠내보낸 서울. 내가 그리워했던 서울. 이 모든 서울이 나를 부른다. 하지만 나를 잡지는 않는다.

나를 사랑하는 사람들이 있는 이곳과 나의 친구들이 있는 서울과 나의 두 세계. 나의 두 세계가 만나는 일은 있는 것일까. 내가 선택할 수 있을 것인가. 아니면 제 3의 길이 있을 것인가.

나는 후에 너를 그리워하며 내가 살아온 삶을 후회하게 되지는 않을까.

너가 후에 나를 부를때 내가 너에게 갈 수 있을까.

CAKESHOP.
FAUST.
SOAP.
MYSTIK.

내가 사랑했던 곳들과 나 자신을 찾았던 곳들과 나와 같이 걸어주었던 사람들이 있는 서울.

나는 또 너를 떠나지만 너는 항상 같은 같지만 다르게 있을 것이다.

For The Strong, Independent Modern Woman With Emotional Issues

Splitting Your Personality

This very useful and popular technique is employed consciously or unconsciously by people who wish to maintain their autonomy, who constantly construct an image of themselves for the world to see, and who firmly believe in boundaries. Overall, people who are distant yet project a proximity to many people. It can thus be considered a self-protecting mechanism.
By splitting your personality into bite-sized chunks, you can hand them out easily to different people with different understandings of you as a person, while guaranteeing that no one person can get the full picture of what the whole of these chunks is, or was.
The advantages of this technique are as follows: (1) You own your whole self by yourself; (2) You don’t let anyone too close to you, but just close enough.
For instance:
You meet Jamie. You become close to Jamie and tell her that you’ve had an awful childhood. Jamie is a friend with whom you have shared a piece of your past.
You meet Joanne. You start dating and tell her that you can’t commit to relationships because that is not something you find appealing. Joanne is a lover with whom you have now shared a piece of your weakness and current vulnerability.
The important point is that Jamie and Joanne cannot put the two parts of you together.
Another for instance:
My childhood teachers think of me as a polite, kind, self-minding shy person. My high school friends think of me as an outrageous, from-somewhere-else kid, new on the block. My university friends think of me as either a nurturing, caring, doormatsy person, or as an independent, opinionated, politically engaged woman who doesn’t depend on anyone. My father thinks I grew up too fast for my good; my grandmother thinks I am too perfect and self-controlling, my mother thinks I am irresponsible and emotional and heartless and should be an artist rather than a scientist. 
I disappear out of my lovers’ lives completely; I jump into love within days and weeks and I pursue them until I know they love me. Then once I’m sure they love me unconditionally I panic and fear that I will end up loving them more than they love me, that I will let them hurt me, that I start building walls, then running to them over the walls because, the truth is I love them too, then I have a full-on panic attack and disappear. And this is probably why I always choose disposable lovers; nobody from my innermost circles, nobody whose life overlaps mine in the mundane, everydayness of life.