우리, 사랑하지 말아요.

Liebe Herr Jung, 

When I am in love I am afraid. You make me afraid. When I feel I might be in love, I run. You make me feel unstable, like a leaf blowing in the wind. I want to find all the reasons which prove you don’t really love me. That I don’t really love you – that it’s a wind blowing in the field, that it’s lust, that you’re a reflection of someone I never had. That you actually want to use me, for your comfort, for your convenience, to become a name on the list you will roll up and throw away at the backwaters of your memories once you’ve found her. That you see someone else in me. That you are pretending to be someone you are not.

When I was thirteen I went to the German psychotherapist in town. I sat in the brown armchair where the sunlight came through a round glass pane in the ceiling and told him, I don’t want to be happy because happiness goes awayAnd I don’t ever want to feel this way again.

우리 사랑하지 말아요 아직은 잘 모르잖아요 / 사실 조금은 두려운 거야 / 그대 미안해요
우리 약속하지 말아요 내일은 또 모르잖아요 / 하지만 이 말 만은 진심이야 / 그대 좋아해요

나를 보며 웃지 말아요 / 정들면 슬퍼져요 / 예쁜 그 미소가 눈물이 될까 봐
사랑이란 두 글자 속에 / 우릴 가두려고 하지 말아요 / 채우지 못할 욕심이니까

Portfolio Diversification

Kissing the best friend of a boy who I thought was too beautiful to love me after he asked me on a date, because I wanted to believe it wasn’t true. Falling for the girl who never looked at me in the same way you do. Loving a man who would never, ever love me.

Then you told me without speaking. Over, and over, and over again. Until one day, you were a part of me just the same way I was a part of you.

And I knew you would, I wanted to know that you would. That we would fall apart as all of the others did. We would break away and disappear from each other’s lives and we would find new love and become faded photographs. I want to believe that you were like all the others.

Romantics build walls. We build wall after wall because at the very bottom of things, we want to burn through all the walls when we meet you and stand naked. The problem is – there are so many times you can burn them down until you give up and say, that’s it. I’m upgrading to a Swiss-engineered vault. Calling it quits. Walking away with our heads held high – or rather, away from love.

We tell lies. To protect us from the people who have used our honesty against them. We pretend, that we do not care about people. We tell ourselves, that we do not trust people. We sneer and laugh and joke about the others. Those who believe, naively, blindly, and brilliantly. What we once were.

My mother told me, people who love others more than they should really want to be loved the same way. Maybe one day, I will tell you this. But, maybe you already know. Sometimes I suspect that this is the reason you love us. To forget that you want to be loved. To cut out the part of you that longs for forever and ever.

이렇게 당신이 읽지 못할 말을 적는 나.

Am I just a fool?
Blind and stupid for loving you
Am I just a silly girl?
So young and naíve to think you were the one who came to take claim of this heart
Cold-hearted, shame you’ll remain just a frame in the dark

The people are talking, the people are saying
That you have been playing my heart like a grand piano
The people are talking, the people are saying
That you have been playing my heart like a grand piano
So play on

Am I queen of fools?
Wrapped up in lies and foolish jewels
What do I see in you?
Maybe I’m addicted to all the things you do
‘Cause I keep thinking you were the one who came to take claim of this heart
Cold-hearted, shame you’ll remain just a frame in the dark

The people are talking, the people are saying
That you have been playing my heart like a grand piano
The people are talking, the people are saying
That you have been playing my heart like a grand piano
So play on